Checkmate

One of our friends, we’ll call her “R,” wrote this for our readers. Enjoy!

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A few weeks ago, I went to Vancouver to spend some time with a guy friend of mine who, while not technically my boyfriend, walks like, talks, like, and for all other intents and purposes is my boyfriend.

The first night I was there, he was unexpectedly stuck out of town for work. I had the keys to his place and stayed there, but had a last minute offer to hang out with my friend Steve at a hockey game. I went, had fun, and went home without thinking much else of it (except that the team I was cheering against lost – so woo!).

Two days ago, I got a very long Facebook message from a girl who had somehow learned of my existence, found my name, and tracked me down on the Internet. She claimed to be Steve’s girlfriend and apologized for saying something mean about me on Twitter. I had never heard of her, so I was confused and decided not to respond. I sent a text to my friend, who I don’t know particularly well, mentioning the message and asking that I be kept out of his personal business. Seemed the reasonable thing to do.

The following day I received two more very long Facebook messages. The first was condescending, rude, and angry. The second was apologetic, begging me to tell her if there is anything she should be worried about in her relationship. Throughout the set of three messages, she shared details about her relationship that I had no business knowing. The experience came out of nowhere for a few reasons. First, I’d never heard of her, probably because Steve and I don’t talk about our personal lives; we really don’t know each other all that well. Second, the whole thing was a very platonic experience, so her reaction came out of nowhere. Third, it seemed she had “information” from him that I knew to be false, including that there had been a friend with me at the game and that I attempted to “pick him up”.

This led me to consider three things that we ladies need to consider when we are feeling threatened in our relationships, particularly when it comes to a situation like this.

1.) Setting Everyone Up for Success

I am not a mind reader, nor are most people I know. Therefore, I cannot possibly know about someone’s relationship status, or the boundaries of that relationship, unless I am somehow informed. The first thing you need to ask yourself is: Did your partner set the other person up for success? In Steve’s case, he did not tell me that he had a girlfriend, let alone a serious one. I wasn’t there thinking we were on a date, but he couldn’t have known that, which means he did not set me or the interaction up for success. Had I attempted to “pick him up”, I could hardly have been reputed, because I had no way of knowing that was inappropriate. While you might counter argue that I could have asked him first if it was appropriate, that is neither common social protocol nor my responsibility. He holds the relationship to his partner, and therefore if there is information I need to know related to that, it is his responsibility to tell me. Full stop.

2.) Appropriate Response

Whether your partner sets the interaction up for success or doesn’t, there are still opportunities to recover gracefully. After all, sometimes things happen that we don’t expect, like someone we think is a friend makes a move on us, at which time we now have a range of behavioral responses to choose from. The right thing to do is stop the situation, and go back a step to stage one, where we re-set the situation up for success. Be clear about where you are and what the boundaries are, so that the person understands. Maybe they “should have” understood in the first place, but clarifiation is important. Sometimes, people test boundaries, and need to have them outlined. If your partner lets a behavior happen, or brushes it off without being clear, then (s)he (and you) can’t be upset when it happens again. People engage in the behaviors that they are rewarded for, and letting it happen is tantamount to “yeah, I’m OK with – and who knows, maybe even receptive to – your advances”. In Steve’s case, I had listfully said something like “I feel like running away – want to run away with me?”. I would have said that to pretty much anyone who had been sitting next to me at the moment, and was not a “wanna go home with me?” sort of statement. Had he experienced a red flag in the way that he evidently communicated to his girlfriend, he should have identified that he was in a relationship, put up some boundaries, and we would have clarified where things stood. To say nothing to me but something to her serves only to make her feel insecure – but that’s an issue for another post.

3.) Follow-Through and Follow-Up

The final question you ask is how your partner chose to follow through or follow up after the fact, particularly if the event was really severe or has persisted. If behavior persists, ask yourself what role your partner is playing in the offending party’s behavior. For example, did (s)he articulate boundaries but then invite the person to do something else that looks and/or feels like a date that undermined those boundaries? Did (s)he loop you in to the friendship with the other person (which, to be ultimately fair, may or may not be reasonable to expect as the partner)? If substantial, did your partner cut ties to the person altogether. Steve and I are not commonly in touch, so for him there was no real follow-up necessary. We see each other every 6 months, make small talk about the weather on Skype from time to time, and live in different cities. In the case of him and his girlfriend, I should have never ever been looped in to their problems. It was not my problem, nor my business. We cannot read minds to know where the boundaries are nor is there anything to say that we can’t lob a softball at a guy (or girl) we are really interested in. That’s what people do. That’s how we court. That’s how we pursue things in our environment and, eventually, find a match for ourselves. Most importantly, that’s legitimate, benevolent behavior, and we cannot be faulted for it.

At the end of the day, remember that it is YOUR PARTNER who has a responsibility to you first, foremost, and exclusively. It can be tempting to avoid conflict with your partner, for fear of causing irreparable harm, by blaming (and verbally assailing) someone else but don’t delude yourself; his/her behavior is really what matters. Things will happen, and you can’t expect to have a say in or control over the behavior of anyone else. What really matters is what your partner does and is (s)he treats you with respect in the way (s)he conducts his/herself in the company of others. If you have exhausted the three above and found your partner to have perfectly executed the above, then and only then might it be even remotely reasonable to approach the other person. Otherwise, all you are doing is airing your relationship’s dirty laundry in the backyard of an innocent bystander.