I received a question last week that interested me and I realized I had never addressed it on the blog.
When you’re on an online dating site, and talking to someone, how do you cut off communication when you realize you’re not into them?
I gave two pieces of advice.
1. If you don’t feel too attached, and it hasn’t been weeks of talking, just stop writing back. I don’t really know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of this, but I know me, and I know that I’d be thankful for them cutting it off if they thought it wasn’t meshing – for whatever reason. Yes, I have done it in the past, and I don’t see anything wrong with it. You don’t know them, you’ve never met them, and if you haven’t been talking long, you owe them no explanation. The same goes for first dates. If I didn’t get a call after a first date with a dude I liked, I would be bummed, but ultimately thankful. It’s a pretty clear message.
2. If you HAVE been talking to them a while, or the communication has been of a higher than average saturation, meaning you sent each other messages ALL DAY for two days, OR you’ve been on more than one date, then yes you should send them a message or call them and say that you don’t think you’re right. Of course you technically still don’t owe them any explanation, and a simple “I don’t think we’re right for each other. It’s not there. There’s something missing” would suffice. If, for whatever reason, you feel you should go into more detail, but don’t want to say “I’m just not that into you,” you can safely go with “I don’t think I’m what you’re looking for.” That way you’re not lying, but you’re also not saying “you’re an ugly dog and there’s no chemistry.”
Your suggestions welcome!
In other news, CJ is getting married on Saturday. At one point MAYBE one day in the future, you’ll MAYBE see another blog post from her about married life. I miss all of our readers and would love to hear from you, about this post or not. You can always email us!
- Blondie
thats so true!!
I totally agree ;D
love.
summer.
WoW!!! Congrats on the Freshly Pressed.
I have to admit, I think just stopping writing them could hurt them. I know more than a few people who are too self-conscious to see that happen to them. They start to reread all of the old messages, read into things too much, etc. I think the mature thing is to just message them and say that you don’t think you’re meshing well. Even if you haven’t met in real life, they may overanalyze everything said and it could really hurt their feelings.
Great post though! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
http://www.denwrites.com
i agree.. better to explicitly say that you’re not into them than. it’s less harsh. otherwise, they might speculate and their imaginations might run wild causing more stress and hurt…
Great post! I agree with you. However, I think the response “I don’t think I’m what you’re looking for” would probably be interpreted as a cop-out. They’d probably know what you really mean. Sometimes I think it’s better to stick with the first response you mentioned or say you’re interested in someone else.
Yes, I can really see your point on that. But, if they are obviously not what you are looking for, you’re not going to be a very good partner and therefore not what they’re looking for. It’s still true, just in a roundabout sort of way.
and thanks for stopping by!
Honesty is always the best policy right. Just be straight with them, I think people always appreciate it when you are.
this is so true! there is this deception that lying is like an escape from present anxiety or something like it. but when you think about it… lying will just prolong your misery (or whatever)im not sure if i made sense. haha
I always felt that people deserved a response. My usual one was “Thanks so much for your interest in communicating with me. I’ve had time to think about it for awhile now, and I’ve come to the conclusion that we aren’t a good match for each other. Best of luck to you in your search.” I should add that I never had a lot of coomunication with anyone before breaking it off. I never saw any reason for a lot of emails, even if the person lived at a distance. For me, that was creating an artificial relationship. Emails can’t ever give the same experience as talking to someone, much less meeting face-to-face. After one or two emails, I suggested a phone call, and after that, a face-to-face meeting. Nothing went on and on. I met my husband on Match.com and we’ve been happily married for over four years now.
My experience with online dating has been pretty icky thus far. It has become increasingly difficult to come up with polite ways of saying “no thank you”. I tried to keep an open mind, but I find that there is a disconnect between the person you meet on the computer, and the person you meet online. In almost every case, there is such an extreme difference, personality-wise, that I’ve come to mistrust profiles.
I hope you have more luck than I did. Great post.
I had to give it up after six months. I’m a coward, but I dreaded going to any other meetings or logging on to see who was next. So I gave it up. The bad experiences far outweighed the good ones. I liked your description-”icky.”
I totally agree with the part about not calling or responding if the communication has been brief. This past summer I went out with a guy ONCE and the next morning he texted me: “I’ve been thinking about this all night. This will NOT go any further.”
Yes, he did capitalize the “NOT” and I think by “thinking about it all night,” he meant he was thinking about while we were on our date!!! Hi-larious.
I would have definitely preferred the no call back move.
Excellent post.
OY! I would have preferred the no call back as well! Ew.
I think honesty would be the best way to handle it, as you’re both adults! Maybe the over usage of social media isn’t helping…it’s so easy to say things on-line with no repercussions. A few e mails then a few e chats & maybe people should stop or move on to the phone and/or a personal meeting in a very public place. If it has only been one or two conversations, just end it by not replying, yes, why not, it started that way, out of nowhere…so it can dwindle to nothing naturally, we’re all busy in our lives…remember people can fabricate anything they want with an alter ego on line…the whole relationship could be false, so it’s probably better to cut to the chase as soon as possible and meet the person…just sayin’
evelyngarone.com
Preachin to the choir here! I wrote a post a couple of months ago about a “technology reduced relationship” and why folks should be steering clear of social media in this sense for the first little bit. Thanks for the comment!
My favorite line is “I don’t see this becoming a romantic thing”. Guys seem to get that and let it go, and appreciate the directness. It doesn’t attack their character, and it doesn’t promise them “let’s be just friends” (because that’s always a copout anyway).
Yeah, you could always go the “freakout” route and be all “I could never marry a man who doesn’t iron his khakis” after date one or something like that. Please. Do that and then report back.
Congrats on being Freshly Pressed. I just went through the experience last week–prepare to be inundated. what a clever blog you have. Congrats to CJ on her marriage. I wanted to pass along the advice that garnered such global attention: We all married the wrong person: http://wp.me/pgTZD-uQ (It’s actually a very pro-marriage stance!)
Best wishes for a long, happy marriage.
Lori Lowe
http://www.LifeGems4Marriage
An explanation is not owed but what would be right? Summing up the courage to tell the person what you feel or running away because of being afraid of conflict? If you run from something that is over the internet then what happens in person.
I believe that the avoidance is a stifling handicap in regard to personal growth. How can someone that can not face a trivial social problem, that happens with someone that they never met, cope with a real life situation? It seems like an inner prison to me.
That is just my initial thoughts on the article and I in no way mean to offend anyone so please don,t take it that way.
Well, not contacting them back is not necessarily avoidance. You don’t owe them anything, really. You don’t know them, they don’t know you. If you spent time writing back to every person who sent a message, you might be at your computer a while! As well, if someone were to ask me out in person, and I said no, I wouldn’t feel the need to say explain why, right?
That last bit reminds me of a scene in the movie “Local Hero,” where our protagonist asks a girl in his office if she wants to go grab a cup of coffee.
“No,” she says–and that’s all she ever says. He’s left standing there, a bit dumbfounded. Hilarious.
I think I’d find it hard to be able to leave it at just “no” to the person standing in front of me. I don’t think most people are good at not pressing for an immediate explanation. It’s very natural to want to know the why behind the no!
I can’t see much difference between the in-person expectation and the online expectation, but again, that may be a personal preference; simply ceasing all contact with nary a word to the wise would get the point across after awhile, but oy, talk about getting closure the hard way! Presupposing that these two people had radically different views of what was going on, of course.
I recently tried to let a guy down nicely and it reconfirmed my idea that this cannot be done. I actually said, “I don’t think I’m the girl for you.” And he wanted an explanation of why I thought that.
I have since avoided him and yet he persists. I think I might have to just tell him, “Actually you’re not the guy for me. You have a lot of work to do before I’d date you.”
Of course, I hope he just quits calling.
Crystal
http://www.crystalspins.com
hahaha! That’s awesome. Well, not for you, but well sorta because it gives you a good story. I had a guy contact me a NUMBER of times before getting the hint. Then he sent me an email a year later. Let me know if this dude emails you in a year
Agreed. Just stop emailing if you barely know each other. We truly don’t ‘owe’ anyone anything at that point. Just let it go and move on. I think making it in to a big ‘thing’ is a bit much. I would actually be kind creeped out by a break up email when there isn’t really anything to break up. A few emails does not a relationship make. Great post! -SG
No explanations necessary. The reason is almost always obvious – you just don’t do it for me. If a person doesn’t call you back – get the hint. You’re allowed ONE text/call/email/smoke signal message to them after an absence and if they don’t return it within a day or so – CUT THEM OFF! It’s harsh but people live in this fantasy world where ‘maybe they forgot to call me…’ or ‘perhaps they didn’t get the message …’ NO they didn’t forget and YES they did get the message. If you like someone, you stay in contact with them. If you don’t, then you’re not interested in them. This goes both ways and I’ve been on both ends.
Great post ladies! I love hearing people’s ideas on these issues.
Cheers blondies!
Sweet and honest. Appreciate it
I’ve got to say I’m the same. If I start talking to someone and we just aren’t ‘gelling’ I just stop. Sometimes giving hope can just be stringing them along.
Great post! x
I think a polite and forthright “as soon as I get this STD under control I will contact you again would be a kind and gentle way to squirrel out of communication with an unwanted suiter.”
While I agree with you in principle and where I, myself, am concerned, I am not sure that your advice is sound: A few years ago, I spent a lot of time reading on sites dealing with relationships. Based on my impressions from that time, most people would see “I don’t think I’m what you’re looking for.” as the excuse it is and feel insulted, while others (cf. CrystalSpins) may misunderstand or try to address the issue in other manners (e.g. along the lines of reassuring the too insecure partner that (s)he is indeed good enough). Similarly, 1. might work with most men, but is a very common cause for complaint from women (“Why has he not written/called?” or “What a jerk! Not even the decency to tell me straight-up!”).
Unfortunately, I cannot give you a sure-fire solution: Not only will the right way vary from person to person, but ending a relationship (be it budding or blooming) where the other party has a wish to continue it is almost guaranteed to lead to hurt feelings and distress.
DIfficult to put yourself out there but honesty is always the best policy..especially in matters of the heart.
In my former days of online dating (I no longer online date because I am just not that into it), I limited the amount of online exgchanges that I would engage in. No more than 3 rounds of emails and if we weren’t at a point to start talking by phone, then it was over and I just stopped respoding to their emails. For those that reached the telephone stage, I have had some men call and I just couldn’t take it, either too much southern drawl, or the conversation flow was horrible, etc. In those cases I just never called them back and I wouldn’t take their calls. For the few that I met in person and didn’t click I simply told them that I didn’t think the chemistry was there.
I agree with you. And congrats on getting Freshly Pressed!
Give it to men straight up. We can take it.
All this is so true and for someone who doesn’t know what to do and how to stop talking to someone, all they have to do is read your post!!
Love your blog and highly deserving of being Freshly Pressed!
I think anyone on an online dating site should mentally prepare themselves for potential rejection and not take offense to it, especially since it’s doubtful that people get to know the REAL YOU in the first place through messaging…so the response to situation #1 should suffice!
For situation #2, there’s definitely no easy way to break it off, so I agree that keeping it simple without details is best! BUT…what if the honest answer can serve as constructive criticism for future dates?? If a date occurs between two MATURE adults, then perhaps an honest exchange of constructive comments as to why it wasn’t a match made in online heaven can be quite helpful for future dates. Emphasis on the word “MATURE” though.
I look fwd to your future posts!!
http://freudandfashion.wordpress.com/
I don’t know, I’ve had people talk to me, stop, restart, and take a long time to get back to it. But, for me at least, I don’t meet them in person so I can understand that you don’t really know them, so it is pretty awkward to send an email of, “Um, I don’t really think that we’re jiving.”
yes, you right..
thks for sharing
Love it! Very, very true
I really like this post !
I had been through such experience and I used the truth way . I said that we are the right for each other and that he deserves someone better.
Great post and its really a question we all pass by
Regards,
Hoope
Congrats on the Freshly Pressed! Wonderful post, btw, although I don’t entirely agree with number two. I think a bit of sensitivity to the feelings of the man would be good. Unless he was a jerk.
This is such a nice way of dealing with bad dates / pre dates. In the UK we seem (or just me) to have an abundance of odd men. Really odd men. You might like to check out some of the ways we / I have dealt with ending things with unsuitable guys!
http://ireallyamgrumpynowadays.wordpress.com/category/dating-history/
I egged a man. (I was REALLY encouraged by a friend) I have also run out in the middle of dates. Ahhh I almost miss being single! Hehehe
“He came out of his house in those stupid sandals. I saw red. Nobody wearing socks and sandals shouts at me. We pelted him with the eggs and left.”
There appears to be at least one abundantly odd and unsuitable woman in the UK. Do not throw eggs when living in a glass house.
very sound advice. glad to see that I’m not the only person who knows what common sense courtesy really is.
From my experience of online dating any response can be viewed as a positive response so if you really want to get the message across saying nothing is probably the way forward. After all if you can’t say anything nice…
just be careful. to be more safe, never entertain, besides you don’t know them totally. i appreciate your post, great! ^^,
Oh it’s RUBBISH when people just stop out of the blue. It’s just courtesy to send a ‘thanks but no thanks’. It’s a shame to see that politeness dwindling quality in interspaz dating.
Also people may assume that internet rats have eaten the messages.
Great Post! Congrats on being freshly pressed and thanks for sharing this beautiful story.
Great post. You ask a lot of questions that have so many different answers.
My opinion? While I AM guilty of not writing some men back…it’s only because we never talked at all.
What I can’t stand is the fact that most men AND women can’t take all of two seconds to say, “hey…i’ve found someone else i’d like to pursue” or “hey, i just don’t feel you’re attractive enough” or “I don’t think our chemistry matches up.”
Take for instance, my blog, “Douches” at http://likeomigod.wordpress.com.
Said dude wrote me back after I was interested in getting to know him, and even though he liked what I had to say, even complimented me on my wits and intelligence, he came up with a I-think-this-will-sound-better version (to himself) BS line about our chemistry not matching up, when in reality he just needed to grow some balls and tell me he wasn’t attracted to me. If he had just said that in the first place…
I wish men and women would learn better communication skills.
insightful!
the grave thing now though is how to shut people offline when they’re obv cyberstalkers haha
Good advice! I definitely think if you are not into someone, ease off the convos… why let them live in false hope…lol…
Wow soooo true.
Congrats on being freshly pressed
Good post, please do publish more such posts.